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i really worry about the future. today i went hiking with rudzki and we talked a lot during about what we want out of our lives and i think, right now, all i can foresee in my future is ulcers from worrying about my future. the time came to make a decision about what i wanted to do after college. law school. but then i didnt want to apply to law school...so americorps. and i am really excited for it. it seems like most people there will be in the same boat as me. full of lost people. i really like the idea of people going there to "find themselves" or make decisions about their lives...but they will be interacting with people who are just as lost as they are. lucky for me i really dont talk too much about my future. except for this posting, which will be the last mention of it for a while. i feel like i want my kids to have the exact same experience as i did growing up. today's kids do nothing outside. seriously, when a kid has never even gone camping or hiking there is seriously something wrong. people spend ridiculous amounts of money taking their kids to bullshit amusement parks when they could take them swimming or do something educational for so much cheaper. it really disappoints me. also, on a side note, i think people who litter are idiots. if i ever run for office and win, the first thing on my agenda will be to put up signs everywhere that say "if you litter, youre trash." it really gets the point across.

so anyways, back to the future. i was thinking about how hard it is to actually work and have kids at the same time. people are always talking about how they need to "wait for the right time". i kind of feel like thats bullshit. lets see, should i have kids while im a full-time student? they would say no. how about when im just starting out in a job? no. theres really no "good time" to end a self-centered life and start letting your life revolve around another human being. i have so much respect for my parents for getting it done while they were both working. its sad that lots of people have to turn to nannies so they can work all day. about this topic, i really need to stop worrying--i mean, i dont even have a boyfriend so thats one less ulcer for me.

after americorps i will actually have to decide where i want to go. so many people in pittsburgh stay here forever. they never leave and they dont want to. i love it here, but i love it tons of places. how will i know where i will be happiest if i havent tried lots of things? my family has moved around a lot and when my sister is done she will be moving. aileen will be done in two years then who knows where she will be. my parents are out--who knows where--once she is done. its reassuring to know that we are all so close, but its sort of disconcerting to know that i will not always have this home to come back to and i have no idea where "home"...my family...will be in the next few years. who even knows where ill be.

i dont pay bills now really and i sit up thinking about debt. i mean, i have a couple college loans but i worry about how i will pay them off and how i will pay for law school. but then i try to rationalize to myself by saying "there are so many people that are worse off than you and they do, so suck it up, theres nothing to worry about"...but its impossible not too. so many girls just get credit cards and go out shopping but i am obsessive about my checking balance and get nervous when it gets too low. college was a nightmare for my finances in general but i keep hoping that americorps wont be a total drain on my reserves...but i know it will. i wonder if my family will come visit me at all?

this post is too long. i think im going to go stare at the ceiling.

thinking of going to see ben folds/rufus wainwright/ben lee at PSU on tuesday. if anyone can cheer me up, its ben folds.